Destroy Shame's Village of Feeling Bad
Ever wonder why you are living in the Village of Feeling Bad? How would you like to relocate?
Patricia Lee Hulsey,
The Shackles Of Shame
Shame-based
reactions are implemented to avoid dealing with the root issue of shame. Here
are some common shame-based reactions:
SCAPEGOATING: Blame
is a cover up for shame and a way to pass it on to others. You reduce your own
feelings of shame by putting down and criticizing someone else.
"Psychologically, putting guilt on someone else allows us the opportunity
to hate or blame that individual, thus discharging our emotions while our
rational faculties justify it.
SELF-PUNISHMENT:
There is a long history of people who mutilated their bodies or in other ways
punished themselves to atone for their shame. In its more subtle forms, such
self-punishment is the voice of shame saying, "You don't deserve to be
happy."
DEFENSIVENESS:
Defensive people are extremely sensitive to criticism or the suggestion of
personal blame, they are argumentative, and always must be right. Shame-based
people interpret criticism of what they do into a judgment of who they are.
They confuse their do and who. "Our shame defenses keep us from showing
ourselves to anyone else. More tragically, these defenses keep us from looking
at ourselves."
PATRONIZING:
Patronizing is a very subtle way of deferring your shame. On the surface, you
seem to help another person by support and encouragement, but in reality you
have a condescending attitude which defers your own shame by shaming them.
CONTROLLING: A
shame-based person attempts to control other people’s thoughts, feelings, and
actions to insure that no one can ever shame him again. In many families this
control results in suppression of true feelings. There is no honest feedback,
emotional growth is hindered, and shame is further perpetrated.
ARROGANT
SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS: Arrogance is a psychological cover up for shame. The
arrogant, self-righteous person hides his true self from others and in so
doing, hides from himself.
ADDICTIONS: The
content of the addiction, whether it be an ingestive addiction or an activity
addiction (like work, buying, or gambling) is an attempt at an intimate
relationship...Each addictive acting out creates life-damaging consequences
which create more shame. The new shame fuels the cycle of addiction.
AGGRESSION: Because
a shame-based person does not value himself, he lacks respect for others. This
leads to contempt, anger, retaliation, and rage. If a person with internalized
aggression also acquires power, then it results in violence and criminal
behavior.
ALIENATION AND
DISASSOCIATION: A shame-based person sometimes will alienate himself by
self-imposed isolation. Such behavior may be disguised by explanations such as
"I am very reserved" or "I am a private person." In
reality, the withdrawal is an attempt to conceal shame. In its ultimate form, such
alienation results in living life as a recluse from society.
RITUAL: In New
Testament times the Pharisees and Sadducees learned they could not keep the law
of God themselves, so they became self-righteous, demanding, critical leaders.
They formulated hundreds of detailed rules which they tacked on to their
religion.
Don’t forget about
perfectionism that is highlighted in the teaching.
From the work of Dr. Neil Anderson:
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